everything i always wanted to say

dear mom,

where do i start? i have so many things to say, so many things that i've never said.

first, i want to tell you that i love you deeply and that i wish you nothing but the best. all i want is for you to be happy and live a fulfilling life. i also want you to know that i've forgiven you for all the "bad parenting" and for the hurt that you have caused. i wouldn't be trying so hard to have a relationship with you if i hadn't forgiven you.

the way i've been able to do this is because i see you as two different people:

one person is the hurt little girl, who never learned to take care of herself. this person is also the addict, who is manipulative and cunning and will do whatever to get what she wants.

the second person is who i see as my mom, the gentle, kindhearted, compassionate, selfless, intelligent and creative woman that i remember as a child. the woman who took care of herself, who exercised, who ate healthy, who painted, who drew, who wrote, who took care of her children the best she knew how. where is this mom that i knew as a child. the one i remember doing yoga with in the living room, gardening with in the back yard, the one who making her son's baby food out of bananas. where is that woman with a light in her eyes, who had hopes and dreams and aspirations, the woman who won an architecture competition. where is the woman who inspired me to be an architect and a designer, the one who inspired me to be who i am today. where is she???

sometimes i think that she is long gone never to return, just some empty shell of a person has been left in her place, someone with a fuzzy head and a blank glare in her eyes. and i wonder...is this what drugs will do to you? but i know it's not just the drugs. it's all that pain that you are holding inside, emotional pain. that's why i think you abuse drugs, because you have never learned how to deal with your problems. i also think that your emotional turmoil is what causes 90% of your physical pain, the other 10% is not taking care of yourself.

i not only feel my pain but i feel your too. i want you to have a better life. you can have whatever life you want. i've been trying to show you that, thinking that maybe you just couldn't see yourself living better. you don't have to live in a hotel or live with some stinky-assed old man with diamonds rings and loaded guns under his pillow. you don't have to sit in your house watching tv all day. you could join a swimming class or a yoga class, explore this amazing city, make some friends, make some dinner or make a piece of art. you could volunteer or get a job or get a license to drive a car or do something to feel better about yourself or to just do something.

maybe you don't want to do anything other that take your drugs and watch tv. but i don't know because you never tell me anything about how you feel. i ask myself "what kind of life is that?" i ask you: are you happy? happy with your life? how it turned out? is there anything that you want to change? anything that you never achieved? if so, then go for it. you can't change the past or predict the future but what you do have is right now.

maybe i'm projecting, maybe i'm putting my values on you. i can't force you to live a particular life. you are going to live whatever life you want. only you have control over your life. and i need to accept that and accept you for who you are at this moment.

but for god's sake, be honest with me and tell me what you want and how you feel about things. tell me your hopes and dreams. be a mother to me...tell me the lessons that you have learned in life. you've lived twice as long as i have. you must have some stories to tell, advice to give.

i feel like the mother in this relationship. i've always been "the caretaker", played that role, taking care of you and taking care of jesse. and i'm pissed that i had to take on that role, all that pressure.i have enough to take care of in my own life. i have to figure my shit out. this is probably why i don't have kids or want any kids, because i had to take care of you and my baby brother.

i don't mind doing things for you, or other people, when they are my ideas. i like to share things and i like to try to bring joy to those around me. but when you start acting like the victim or acting like you're 90 years old and can't do anything for yourself, it builds resentment in me and i don't want to be around you. it puts so much pressure on me that i shy away from other challenges in my life. and i don't want a one-sided relationship where i am just helping you with things. that's not a relationship. i never thought that i had a choice, but i do. i don't want to be the mother and i'm going to stop playing the mother role. i'm going to let you live whatever life you want. i'm going to act like a daughter and just spend time with you. i am not going to do anything for you that you can do for yourself.

i am not going to be around you if i think you're high. and when you overdose again, i say when because you don't know any other way to deal with your problems with anything other that drugs (hard or prescription), don't call me because i won't come get you. i can't see you like that. it causes me too much pain. i have too much pain as it is now to deal with and to try to get out of myself. i never learned how to deal with my problems either. i found myself turning to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain or turning to work and school to keep myself too busy to think about my issues.

i'm working on myself and really that's all i can do. i'm going to a therapist and i'm learning to express myself. i don't do hard drugs anymore and i've quit numbing myself and my emotions with weed every night. i'm overwhelmed by emotions sometimes, a lot of the time actually, but i'm letting them out. i'm trying to deal with them the best i can and it feels good. it feels good to release these emotions. sometimes just saying how i'm feeling out load releases those emotions from my body and it releases some physical pain and pressure. it's quite amazing actually.

i'm learning it now because i was never taught how before. i don't blame you. you didn't know how to express yourself either. if you weren't taught these skills, you can't teach them either. i'm learning now and i urge you to do the same. if you want to find a therapist, i will gladly help you. it's really the only hope i have for you to truly be happy with yourself and your life.