i can't do this any more

dear mom,

i can't do this any more. i can't speak to you. i can't keep this relationship up. it's too much on me. it hurts too much.

i've tried and tried. every step forward is three steps back. this relationship has been bringing me nothing but pain and suffering. if it was a relationship with a friend or lover it would have been over long ago. relationships are a give and take. they are two sided, or at least they are supposed to be.

i feel like with our relationship i give energy and you take it. i'm constantly trying to lift you up out of your slump, encourage you, inspire you and give you love. i try to set boundaries. i try to have a healthy relationship. what have you given back? except for pain, your pain. every time you call, you dump your pain and suffering on me. i don't want it. take it back.

for the last number of years since you moved out to california, i have really been trying to cultivate our relationship. it had seemed like you had cleaned up and weren't doing drugs any more, or at least for most of the time. but i realize now, that you still are an addict. and that you are manipulative and self destructive and will do anything to get what you want. you might not be doing hard drugs any more but all your "legal" prescription drugs have the same affect. they allow you to numb yourself and to not deal with your issues.

i have tried and tried to get you to help yourself, tried to show you a different way, a better way. i've tried to show you that you can live any life you want. sure you've made mistakes in the past, made bad decisions. we all have. you don't have any control over the past. but you do have control over the decisions that you make today. but i can't make those decisions for you. you have to. you have to want to help yourself. i feel like you've been going down this downward spiral and pushing everything and everyone away from you. except for me. i'm the only one that has stuck around. so what do you do? you try to pull me down with you. but i will not fall into that dark abyss. i refuse. and so now i must save myself. i must separate from you.

for the last number of years, even though it has hurt me much, i have felt like i had to be there for you. you didn't have anyone else. i was hoping that me being there for you would reignite your hope, your desire for life, your desire for a better relationship between us. and of course i was hoping to see you have a desire for a better relationship with yourself. but you can't have a good relationship with yourself if your fucked up all the time. don't you see the drugs destroy the relationship with the self. and they destroy all your relationships. it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with an addict. why do you think you are all alone? because you have let the drugs take over you and your life and in conjunction have run off everyone around you. it's not because we don't love you. we love you. i love you enormously. but i can't see you like this. i can't be around you like this. not only does it hurt me to see you in pain but more so, it hurts me to deal with the addict that's in you. it breaks my heart over and over.

my heart physically and emotionally can not be broken any more. it has reached it's threshold. so, do not call me or contact me anymore. i hope you are willing to help yourself one day and by that i mean therapy. if you do not know how to heal yourself, you must get help from others.

i love you. and i hope one day you find peace and happiness, if not in this life, in the next.